News broke out that no mobile phones are safe within the Malaysia Art Expo compound! There’s apparently a thief on the prowl. Naturally, our devious minds are inspired to come up with a wishful post on what we would steal in the fair as an art thief. If you may allow for the suspension disbelief, here’s a list of artworks that I would definitely like to surreptitiously fit into my MyVi, drive them back to my secret art cavern, and gloat over my invincibly successful career as an art criminal with, one would hope will be demonstrated, an impeccable cultural taste.

Lim Keh Soon, Phantom of the Working Class, 2009

I’ll admit I don’t get the proletariat reference here unless Keh Soon’s aligning his artistic practice to a specific class struggle! But Keh Soon’s rendering of the human figure in his distinctive surrealist form is comical, witty and dark all the same. I blame it on the irresistible charm of Mr. Hammerhead.

Angki Purbandono

Angki’s happy scans are whimsical typologies of our everyday. Halved honey dew melon, spaghetti arranged to resemble our pulpous brain, a banana-leaf wrapped rice. Playing with food may be bad table manners, but no one’s saying food is not a great source of amusement in the venerable tradition of fine art.

Mr. Ogay, 2009

Mr. Orgay doesn’t like titles for his paintings and he doesn’t need to. Observe a despondent Doraemon. He looks sick and obese.

Ahmad Shukri Mohamed, The Great Wallpaper Series #18, 2009

This must be one of the better paintings in Shukri’s wallpaper series I have seen. Or it could just be my profound bias towards butterflies and the colour green. It’s lush and busy yet calming at the same time. And it’s by one of the Mahatiboys. Now, who wouldn’t want one of their pieces in their houses?

Yee I-Lann, In the Palm of Putrajaya, 2003

Backdrop: Palm oil plantation. Foreground: Tudung lady showing us her identity card. An almost sublime mathematical equation of Malaysia’s idea of identity and progress. I have been salivating over this for more than two years. Now it’s time to claim it for myself!

Chan Kok Hooi, Raksasa!, 2004

Kids love it, adults love it! In fact, it’s distracting everyone away from ARTERI’s booth which sits messily across this majestic piece in the vein of the now-exhausted pop-surrealism. Yet back in 2004, there was nothing like this. Grand, epical and downright nonsensical. Overheard: ‘He must be on LSD when he painted this.’

chi too, Suitcase of Punching You in the Face, 2009

Finally, to cement my repute as an intelligent art thief, I will probably have to cart away an indulgent piece of conceptual art in order for me to be regarded seriously by the geeky set of Deleuze and Guattari-quoting curators and cultural commentators. If this does not impress them, I can always make them open the suitcase and punch them in the face.